This is about the laziest way to do a blog. It's a list of dated posts in reverse chronological order. it does not have searching, or links to posts. It certainly doesn't have an RSS feed (I'm not gonna bother setting that up). But it does have a list of my thoughts, organized by how recent they are.
What's in front of you, April 10 2025
I bought a watch recently, it's a Casio 91w, a classic digital timepiece that basically just tells me when it is right now, let's me set one alarm, and run a single stopwatch function. It can also beep at me on the top of the hour, which is pleasant. When I bought the watch, I started to think more about time. Of course I did, I had just strapped a twenty dollar time box to my wrist, time was going to be on my mind.
When you buy a chronometer, you start to think about time. When you have an E-Reader, you start to think about reading. When you have a notebook, you start to think about taking notes. When you have an MP3 player, you start to think about listening to music... When you have a phone, what do you think about?
The Internet is very important nowadays. If it would shut off tomorrow, everything would break, even things that used to not need it are now often mostly made out of it. Why is that? Early on, everybody who was involved in the internet were sure it was going to be important, that it was such an impressive powerful techonology that it would be everywhere, it would matter to everyone... Is that what happened?
The Internet as they experienced it isn't very important anymore. Beyond it just being 'every university' instead of 'some universities', the very early internet doesn't really exist outside of that context. The web as it first existed isn't very important anymore. people go on google to access the same dozen or so sites that have all the worthwhile information. If those sites banded together to make their own unified search and cut the rest of the web out, Google might as well be a relic of days gone by. Just like it was back then, the amount of people that say... keep their own personal websites, is restricted almost entirely to a few shut-in weirdos.
So what is it that changed? How did The Internet become universal even though everything people thought of it as stayed the same size or faded into obscurity? At first, the internet was about the internet... but nobody cared about the internet, so that could only go so far. Then the internet was about everything... but you could get most info on the internet somewhere else just fine, so that could only go so far. Then, they figured out what would actually get everyone online... everything became about the internet.
When your phone is in your pocket, it makes you think about the internet. At first, smartphones, specifically the iPhone - the only kind of smartphone appealing to anyone other than weird nerds - were pitched as the "everything appliance" (or something close to that, go watch macworld or something to find out what they specifically said). The iPhone was a media device like the iPod, and a cell phone, and an internet and productivity device like a PDA. it was everything in one box. you could download your music library and movies to it, you could keep notes on it, you could take pictures with it, you could even browse the web.
Doesn't your phone do all those things today? sure. whenever you want you can open up your phone, you can listen to music on a streaming service, you can keep notes in the cloud, you can take pictures to share online, you can even browse the web... And that's the difference. The internet isn't a place that's about everything. everything is about the internet music is from the internet, video and movies are delivered over the internet, culture and discussion happen more online than they do in person. Everything is about the internet... When you have a phone, you think about the internet.
So that's... the thesis. When you have a watch, you think about time. and because of the technology that is easy and popular for phones, when you have a phone, you think about the internet. Is that a good or bad thing? I usually want to think about the internet less, and my life more. Even though I desperately love the level of involvement and immersion in learning about things I can get from the internet, I also recognize that a large amount of the internet isn't about that... it's about getting into fights on whatever twitter alternative is popular now, it's about discourse, it's about being angry and apocalyptic about everything. And a lot of it also... isn't what it should be.
I don't think I watch too much youtube, because I enjoy watching youtube... But I do think I'm rarelynot watching or listening to something on that website/app... I wonder what impact that has. Who knows. I do think I want to buy my own music, so that I control my own music. I think i want to read more books and less tweets, I think I want to spend more time with my loved ones and less time stumbling around the same five websites that make me miserable 1/3 of the time. And I don't really know how to do that... oh well. I'll figure it out sometime.
All In on Arch! April 3 2025
The title isn't quite true. I still have a windows install that I flop into sometimes for certain video games and work related things, But it isn't really about where I spend my time and more about how I've set up my linux.
Arch mostly cares about customizability, and non-obscured design. This just happens to mean that because of the people who made it being weird linux dorks, it also has a lot of linuxy quirks, commandline-centric philosophy, and a relatively barebones baseline distribution.
That may be what arch cares about, but that isn't what arch means, Arch means to linux amaterus what linux means to non-linux people. it means building your own software from source, and commandline Wizardry (though, that game is no fun without the graphics), and ricing your desktop to hell and back, and nothing coming pre-installed on the system.
When I say I've gone "all in" on arch, that's what I mean. I've taken my linux desktop experience, my most enjoyable, fulfilling, and controlled time usage on the computer (for personal or important use), and I've gone all in on the idea of structuring it in an Arch-like way. I'm using a lightweight tiling window manager instead of gnome or another comfortable floating Desktop Environment. I barely have anything installed that I didn't put on the system with my own fingers, or with the Archinstall script, I am, as close as I can comfortably get "all in". But what does that mean?
Well, for me it means a couple things. It means I'm going to be more intentional with my computer, I'm going to have to be more intentional. I have no graphical package manager and settings app to fall back on when I'm being lazy, I have no walled in user sandbox that those apps regulate for me. I have my terminal, my filetree, and an entry in the sudoers file, and that's it. It also means I'm going to be putting effort into learning a lot more, I'm going to learn more about command usage by doing it, I'm going to learn more about managing my settings with systemd by using it, I'm going to learn more about vi by being too lazy to install an alternative. I'm going to learn and actually be a "super user" in a way that I was content only dabbling in before.
And also, it means I'm gonna be more self egrandizing and rude to linux beginners to make myself feel smart. Sorry, it just comes with the territory -\/(-_-)\/-
Tiles
I've started using Sway, an i3 clone that runs on Wayland. I'd used tiling window managers a bit before as a toy mostly, but I've dediced that (for now) I'm going to full commit to sway being my main window manager, at least on my linux install (last I check nobody has been cool enough to break windows open and let you build your own visual shell for it, so I'm stuck with Windows11's Aero+ theme that... is kind of official, but overall better than normal windows 11 no matter what). Tiling is weird, and hard. I'll probably make a post featuring more in depth thoughts on it, and maybe some screenshots in the future. I'm also back on arch after being a Fedora devotee for a while (my laptop is anyways. The desktop was still completely comfortable using fedora last I turned it on). I'll miss dnf and some few other things from fedora, but It's nice being back on arch. besides, life is an adventure, computing should be too
Heist Movie!(no it isn't), Mar 27 2025
so, yesterday's poem was largely "stolen from" (inspired by) this song by Patricia Taxxon, and I figured I'd make today's post just an analysis of that song, because I have lots of thoughts about it (and I did a lot of boring and unimportant stuff today).
So, the song opens like most of the songs in the album, with a first person account of a (furry) woman going about an exciting and happy day, before a sudden breakdown into a more "visceral" section contrasting this externally happy day with a difficult internal experience... This reads very much as a portrayal of being neurodivergent (particularly autistic) and the fragility and in some cases, artificality of existing comfortably in society. I find this technique really appealing for that reason, since it exposes an experience I relate to in a visceral experiential way that wouldn't be possible outside of the medium of song in the same way.
this song only superficially resembles this baseline structure though, the actual song (to me) reads as about something else mostly in terms of story and vibes. The Chorus (sung by the high pitched voice) is a repetition of a simple segment written in mixed tense between present and future tense. The chorus is also regularly interrupted by the verse (angry voice), engaging in themes of rebellion and self discovery.
Okay, surface level analysis of vibes and structure over, time for my personal reading of the song. The opening two chorus sections are fantasies, not actual experiences, in a reversal of the earlier established structure they are the internal experience, while the verse acts as the external/visible experience. This song, isn't about neurodivergence, but instead about being transgender.
my biggest support for this reading is the chorus' content, though the specific reading on the Transgender Experience (TM) that come from analyzing through this song are much more interesting to me than justification of the reading itself. The Verse progresses through three sections.
The first section is about defiance, liberation as rebellion and destruction of an order one finds constricting, it's mindless and furious, and alive in its character and message.
the second part (following directly after the first with no chorus break) is the justification and purpose of rebellion. A sense of truth as divine, and of liberation as purpose, alongside the feelings of personal experience as at once fragile and powerful. it is followed by a double repetition of the chorus before the third section
In the third section the first half is about perserverance, and the second (seperated from the first by the call "I know what's real now" about the experience of inner truth as sometimes fleeting, but powerful when experienced, and the results of pursuing realization and liberation. "AND IT'S NEVER DONE BUT I'M FULLY FREE, FOR VERY FIRST TIME I FULLY BREATHE, AND IT LOOKS DIFFERENT FROM MY FANTASIES, AND IT FEELS DIFFERENT FROM FULFILLING NEED". This set of four lines (in my reading) are a statement on the experience of fulfillment that comes from embracing and living the true experience that this song tells the story of. The chorus repeats after this section are intertwined with repeats of its contents, showing the full integration of what was once a fantasy into lived reality, as the true benefits of realization and self fulfilment are reinforced and made clear by lived experience.
In summary uh... trans autism something something, progression of liberation and perspective something something, oh right... the chew toy. I forgot to mention the fucking chew toy
The chew toy is my favorite part of this song, because it adds complexity and ambiguity to both which reading the listener chooses for interpretation and analysis, as well as how that reading is viewed. The chew toy could very easily lead to a "more simple" reading with two characters instead of one (a dog and a girl seperately), or with one character who's perspective is much more childish and unimportant as my reading assumes. In this reading the chew toy is... well on the one hand it's very much a furry/therian touch to include something cartoonishly animalistic as a core element and representation of a character's self realization, it's also (in this reading) easy to read as somewhat infantilizing toward the song's subject. That she would conceptualize and physicalize her idea of liberation through holding jaws tight on a chew toy is... silly, and stubborn, and implies a very "immature" character. It is also I think exactly perfect.
The chew toy starts the song as symbolic of rebellion, "this chew toy in my jaws has hollowed all your static laws", then it re-appears as a symbol of comfort and perserverance "This chew toy in my jaws has taught me all is never lost", but in the third part of the verse, the chew toy is absent, replaced by... nothing. The subject of the song no longer needs an object to personify her reality and liberation, because she herself has become that object of proof.
Boy that was... a lot. I really am just very very rambly, huh. Anyways hope you enjoyed the read! I love doing literary analysis of song lyrics, especially in this "more formal" written style where I force myself to put my thoughts and feelings to words. This blog has helped me have a place for this kind of writing that is both readable by others, and relatively safe feeling to me in terms of its ability to continue existing and easily be referred back to at a later date. I'm glad I created a deticated space for this kind of journaling/writing.
stolen poems, Mar 26 2025
The angel spoketh thus to me
she said I had a destiny.
The angel spoketh thus to me
he said I had to live for me.
And so the devil came to me,
he came to me in deepest sleep.
And so the devil came for me,
he spoke to me, my heart so weak
stolen poems now I speak
I sing them to the minstrel's beat
Nothing hers, it's now for me
By this music I'm set free
This liberation now I see
My broken heart with love I keep
The coming days in fear I weep
The days I have I hold so weak
chilling, Mar 19 2025
Gosh! I've had busy days recently... I looked at my last post and was astounded it was only yesterday, it feels like at least three days of stuff have happened per day recently. I'm happy tho. Lots of good things. Like comics! I love reading comics. I've started re-reading Elf Quest recently, and it's been a lot of fun, as well as some other comics my girlfriend reccomended to me. Both of them are weird little slice of life furry things, they're good and fun though. Anyways, I've got big vibes happening around gender and identity, it's bene fun. Generally I've been having fun times. Anyways, today was a short post (unlike the majority of my recent posts), bye now!
God is a crunchy little bitch, Mar 18 2025
I can't, I can't, I can't
I can't breathe
I can't sleep
I can't wait
I wasn't
I wasn't there
I was, and then I was
I was busy
and then I was asleep
I'm, I'm, I
I'm excited
I'm sorry
I wasn't there
Please, please, please
please say that again
please don't do something you'll regret
please be okay...
thoughts and stuff, Mar 16 2025
Man, I kinda uh... building this blog in the laziest way possible is really starting to annoy me now. hm. maybe I'll switch my website over to zonelets or something and restart from scratch with a backup of this website stored away in some stupid little folder. or not! who knows.
Anyways, I'm trying to write a poem today, but it just ain't happening. brain not good enough. When I try to think "poem", all I get is stupid little animal noises, and music. So instead of writing poem, I'm just gonna share one I wrote a while ago. Have fun :)
Vincentius Vincentius, he calls victory,
Marina Marina, her name is the sea
Vincentius Marina is Vincent Marie
Oh Vinny Mae won't you tell me?
this poem is kinda supposed to be put to music? if you want, just make up some music yourself. You're an adult, I believe in you. Also! I'm out of things to say in this post, so uh... yeah. bye!
Another post?, Mar 15 2025
The post date on that previous post was wrong for a bit I think... Or maybe I'm time travelling or something. Whatever the case, it's the fifteenth now, and I'm blorging it. I just dealt with a lot of things I was stressed about, and I'm feeling more comfortable with... a lot of things. At the same time some very stressful things are happening to my friends, which sucks. I feel bad about being out here in california instead of somewhere that I can go help them. I need to be out here for a bit, so that I can get comfortable, and be safe and secure and happy, but it means I can't be there with them.
I also feel terrible about not having enough to do. I don't have places to go, I don't have work, I don't have nearly any pressure on me, so I'm just... floundering. I'm burning time mostly. I don't really know how to not do that. I don't want to waste a bunch of money by going out all the time, since I really really don't have very much, but I also don't want to just do nothing all day... it's an annoyingly simple problem for me to be unable to solve.
In other news, uh... identity stuff. I've talked a little bit about identity stuff on my blog before, in vagueries and metaphors, but I feel like I might as well spell it out in explicit terms to talk about it. I'm nonbinary! well, I kind of don't like that blanket label very much. more just, a general "trans" feels right. especially since I'm so fresh in exploring this stuff that I can't really place where I actually am on that with a lot of confidence. I'm also like... bi? but very into the whole gay community thing. I find all kinds of poeple asthetically appealing/attractive, but I'm usually only romantically attracted to guys (allo-gay) or people of any gender who I'm very close with platonically(demi-pan), I also relate very closely with the asexual experience, though I don't feel like any existing labels are an exact fit.
Outside of all the queer labels, which the last year or two have really been "about" exploring for me, there's also like... the parts of me that aren't that. I'm very neurodivergent, though what specifically isn't entirely clear? there's very much autism, and I have a lot of the symptomatic problems around executive function and focus from ADHD.
And weird/recent developments are like... well first off, I've been really engaging with my autism stuff more, and trying to let myself unmask a little more than I'm used to. That has been... interesting. I'm usually very restrained, and "adult" in my demeanor. So going into just... being me, saying silly or less thought out things, and letting myself openly stim a little more has been very refreshing. I really really have felt more comfortable and less stressed by avoiding masking behavior that I use to make myself "presentable".
The other recent development (which I'm not entirely sure of or comfortable with, but I'm posting here to just do some writing about it) is like... Furry/Therian stuff. I watched an excellent video by Patricia Taxxon about like... Furry fandom/art and what the whole point of all of it is, which also mentions in parts what therian stuff is about, kinda. The furry part of it probably actually got me onboard with engaging with that community, which I've always vibed with, and had friends within from a pretty young age. And the therian parts (alongside a long discussion with a friend who is very much into and part of the therian thing) all kind of let me solidify and contextualize some feelings I've had for a while.
I've always felt a somewhat strong disconnect from society, and by extension "humanity". Not necessarily in the sense of human as a taxonomic category (a set of genetic markers and physical features that all of us share), but in terms of "human" as a psychological and social category. A human acts a certain way, thinks a certain way, processes a certain way, and meets certain expectations. For a long while I felt a connection with/desire to be like mechanical and cyborg visions of inhumanity. A certain sense that my masking and presentation as a person were programmed, illusory, and that the internal proceses underneath were alien to that. I still like mechanical things and people in concept, and in my media. (I will never not relate to a robot/android character in something I watch), but after learning about Therian experiences more, I found them relatable, and also useful to me.
I very much feel like I am, some kind of small, feral, thing. I feel like "humanity" is more close to the masking I do for protection and convenience than anything to do with my actual internal experiences. I've generally settled on a Coyote as the specific representation/vibe for this, it just feels very much like me, and like it's a way that I can express, contextualize, and generally think about those "inhuman" experiences in a useful context. I also find the idea of being fuzzy, and the general morphology of canid style faces appealing as an experience, especially the ears.
Anyways that's uh.... all of my thoughts right now, I think. This blog post didn't really choose a specific thing to be about, that's fine. I think when I've done that before it was very much part of masking, or just generally controlling myself in ways I don't want to. I know that being unmasked/unfiltered generally results in being "a lot", but... Idk, I feel like I'd rather be me and be a lot than be pleasant but pretend to be something I'm not. Anyways, I'd write a poem to end this post if I had one in my head, but I don't! just read my last post if you want some poetry.
peom, Mar 13 2025
I'm spinning
twirling
It's a poem without words
little yips and yowls and the like
I never knew I liked freestyle
until I started writing it
I never knew I liked me
until I started writing it
I'm no Snorri
writing books on proper poems
I think he'd hate me
that's a good thing
I'm not my father
Saying his piece on queers
I think he hates me
that's a good thing
I know what they hate
It's beauty
I'm a poem without words
little yips and yowls and the like
Tomorrow, Mar 11 2025
I'm still listening to that album I mentioned yesterday, it's really good. Regardless of the rest of that post, you should go listen to it. There's a certain comfort I'm still missing. The comfort of everyday, that I don't know when I'll get back. I'm off on a great adventure, and it's the most horrible thing I've ever lived. If I ever learn how to write something longer than a blog post I think I'll make a novel or similar about something like this... Though maybe with robots, and weird post-humans. Or just bite the cringe bullet and make it have furries, who knows. The person in the novel probably would have a larger and more interesting casts of characters around... maybe a partner. Maybe not.
I spent this morning in a bit of a depressive slump, Thankfully I was able to push myself to at least try and talk to someone. Not even about how I was feeling, just to talk to someone at all. That helped, a lot. Gave me just about enough energy to fold some laundry... I still feel like I could just lay down and fall asleep though. I'm very very tired nowadays. I wonder why. I used to think I couldn't really fall asleep unless it was night-time. I was wrong, at least in the general case. I just don't let myself fall asleep most of the time. I already have such sparse time in a day, and most of it is just wasted.
I miss having a job, it gave me structure, and comfort, and something to wake up for. I plan more things outside of work when I have work, I also know that I can't really manage my life as it is, so maybe not. We'll see eventually. My brother (who I'm staying with) has told me now a couple times about how I'm welcome to come be in the common areas of the house... I still don't feel comfortable doing it. It's not that I'm afraid of them or anything, My brother's family is lovely, I just hate that lack of control over the space. I hate the excess stimulation of sharing it. I'm really only comfortable here in the room they set aside for me, because I can at least try and control this space, even just a little.
When I was a kid (under 13-ish) I spent a ton of time in my room. It was comfortable, it was safe, it had all the things I cared to spend time doing. I think I have so many memories there, and so few memories of the rest of the house because it was the only place I wasn't stressed out all the time... When I was around thirteen I started spending more time in the living room, and other common areas. partially because I was homeschooled around that time, partially because that's where my computer and all the game consoles were. I felt like I barely spent any time in my room. In that time, my room also slowly drifed away from being "my" space. I spent less time and care on it, so it was less and less under my control and agency. Around the time I was 16/17, I finally got some of that space back, I started actively controlling that space, and spending more time there... and I spent less time outside. I spent almost no time out of my room if I could spare it at the end there. I wasn't just stressed by the stimulation, or bored by only having my own things hidden away in my own space, I was also scared. I hated spending time with my parents, there was so much pressure, pressure to talk to them, when every conversation became an attack, pressure to keep up a mask of a person they still thought I was, pressure to let them get away with things I found abhorent, and to never speak up. I was done.
I don't know how to feel about common spaces in houses that aren't theirs. In my sister's house, I was a guest, and to some of her roomates, an unwelcome one. Because of that I tried to stay out of their way, stay out of their spaces... Here I know that I'm not a houseguest, just a temporary tennant, but I still don't go into the common spaces... I don't really know why. I don't know why I'm writing this blog post either, but here I am. Sitting in a small secluded room, and writing this blog post.
Nostalgia, Mar 10 2025
due to a great stroke of luck, despite this being the second post I'm making today, I'm not suddenly helpless and terrified. Instead that's just been going on for a while in the background... Anyways
Last year, I was coming out of the worst depression in my life. I genuinely hated myself, I couldn't get out of bed, I spent entire days wallowing in misery and lack of direction. I wanted to die. My entire life had just been destroyed by this same bout of depression over the last four months. I felt like I genuinely had nothing left. It was around that time that I re-watched Steven Universe. To be clear, that didn't fix anything. I kept being exactly as miserable, self hating, and terrified as I'd been before, but I was comforted sometimes. For about a week there, just about the only thing I had was that comfort from watching Steven Universe. Singing the title theme every episode, and just relaxing into the familiar characters and world of that show gave me a way to ground myself.
Nostalgia is usually viewed as a positive emotion, or at least an emotion that is likeable enough to make money off of. It wasn't supposed to be though. It's classically defined as a kind of disordered hopeless yearning, and the experience I have with it that's the most intensely felt is this kind of energia of desperation and seperation... as much as I felt comforted, or even just entertained, by watching Steven Universe last year, I also felt nostalgia about it. That nostalgia hit more intensely than the surface level and intellectual shame I felt for spending weeks straight binging a children's show, because it wasn't something I could logic away, it was just a desperate tragic longing, an emptiness driven by the same familiarity that gave the show comfort. I listened to this album by Patricia Taxxon today... It gave me the same nostalgia as steven universe... something about the colors, and the soundscape, and just the raw underlying feeling of the art, all of them together pulled that same horrible blinding light of longing into my vision. I love this album, probably without much reason aside from the nostalgia, but it's got a certain tragedy behind that love. A tragedy of time moving forward. The tragedy called Nostalgia.
I think the worst part of the nostalgia from Steven Universe was watching its sequel, the Steven Universe movie, and Steven Universe Future... The movie was good enough, a simple story of an abandoned toy in a world where people are treated as toys, with a personal plot for Steven of helping the gems get back on their feet and re-discover themselves after being reset with the plot doohickey... It was really that miniseries that got to me. Steven Universe is over. the show is over that show's world ended, its characters moved on. The future of that show is busy grappling with this. Steven can't live his comfortable life in beach city, he can't live his comfortable life with the gems... and he can't live his fantasy future with Connie either. He has to find his own future, and stop defining himself around something he did for others that he can't do anymore. I always related to steven a little... Now I'm learning that same lesson his story ended on. I wish I could relate to him a bit less right now though. This shit is hard.
Shorter this time, Mar 10 2025
my laptop has developed an annoying habit of shooting itself in the mouth every single time I try and write the blog post I have planned today, so I'm writing a shorter version, in the hopes that I can finish typing it before it happens again... This fucking thing was $900, and I don't much like that it's already having this many issues. I'll just blame windows, I think.
I have a playlist that's mostly about sex, a little bit about self destructiveness, I listen to it sometimes when I feel that way about myself... I feel very odd about that playlist right now, I think because that just isn't a lens through which I view myself or sexual behavior right now. Every time I go through self discovery or re-discovery I kinda have to take a bit to actually develop thoughts and feelings about that discovered self... it's interesting. I'm actually feeling pretty good while I write this post, which is a departure from... most of my previous posts... I'd end today off with a poem, but the blog has been a bit poetry-heavy as of late, and I don't think the poem I would write would be all that publishable. So uh... yeah, bye!
poem I guess, Mar 9 2025
Sailed out past seahaven
The ocean sings so soft
A picture of her mountain
At least it ought be
This desert far away
The old man sings of rolling seas
A city full of angels
The sunset falls asleep
Golden hour
Golden week
I desperate hold a dream.
Journey, Mar 3 2025
I'm leaving my hometown, in a very permanent way, very soon. It's scary, and difficult, and I still don't know what to think about it. Most of what I am thinking about it is worry, not really specific worry, over anything in particular, just a general worry. I'm also excited, daydreaming and future-looking like I always do. Each day the trip gets more and more concrete in terms of both that it's happening, and when it's happening. It's only a few days away now. I'm saying goodbye to a lot of people, I've already said goodbye to some. For most of my friends, I hope it isn't the last time I see them before having only online connections. For some of my family, I can only hope I've already spoken with them for the last time. Since this one is an unstructured emotional post, I think I'll put a poem at the end.
Vineyards in May
A child of April
My sister is Marching
ever ever on
Running away
Afraid and unstable
and yet I keep marching
ever ever on
idk, Mar 1 2025
People say I'm a good photographer... It's hard to believe them. I realized that I'm about two years ahead of an absolute begginer, and that just liking photography a lot can make you better at it, but I still feel like I'm missing so much. I never feel like my best photos are that way because of something I did, they feel like flukes. Maybe this is just how it'll always feel, maybe it's that luck is how you do it, and just creating the circumstances where I can get lucky is where the skill comes from.
I wish I had a mentor. I feel like I'd be better at a lot of things if I'd had a real mentor for them. I feel that way especially with photography, just learning as I go, or even in a classroom setting, makes me feel so lost sometimes. I feel like the information I can find is so irregular and inconsistent that I can't get really better at it.
On that same note, I have some thoughts on youtube video essays. Specifically that most of them suck. Almost all informational content on the internet has the problem of being made by amateurs, and I know thta after enough time interested in a subject, I will reach the point where for any topic I know enough about to watch videos on, I have a high chance of knowing more than the guy making the video. It's annoying, especially since I also know I'm bad at making videos, so I kinda just get frustrated and can't improve on anything.
Today's post was more of a ramble about nothing than it was useful to me, or informative to you, but that's okay I guess. I'm gonna go eat breakfast now. Who knows, maybe I'll make another post today... Though the last time I said that I wsa homeless by the end of that day, so I think I might just accept today's post being a bit weak.
No I won't, Feb 28 2025
I keep putting 2024 in the date on blog posts instead of 2025, which is silly. I think they've all been corrected so far. Also, upon further thought, I was tired as shit when I wrote
yesterday's post, and I don't really feel like putting in a photography section on my blog. I might make a few essays/videos about photography tho. Because, ya know. I like making essays
and videos. Anyways, haven't posted a poem in a while, here's my attempt at poem-ing right now.
I don't recognize him anymore
I can't remember what he sounded like
He's still in my dreams...
Never at his house, either house
At least, the house in my dreams isn't
Maybe it's our house? That would be nice
It probably isn't.
Will I ever forget him? Any of them?
The pretty boys
The pretty lives
I never loved
I never lived
I hope I don't forget
But I'd be okay
If I never bothered to remember again
The lives I didn't live.
The lives I never could've
I wish I didn't have to forget
who even knows, Feb 27 2025
There hasn't been a lot going on for me in a couple days, which is good. I'm probably moving across the country next week, which is wild. I don't know how specifically that's going to work, but I'm excited about the general plan, and it seems like it's about the only way I'm going to get this whole "life" thing to work. I've mostly been thinking about other stuff like photography though. So uh.... idk, I think I'll go make a page for it on this site, and put a link to it in an edit for this post, or in my next post.
Untitled, Feb 24 2025
there's a lot going on for me today, but I think I'm gonna keep this post light-hearted. It isn't good to spend all your time fixating on hard stuff. So I've been thinking about my linux install on my thinkpad. I kinda screwed it up yesterday, and I've been thinking for a while about switching to something else (maybe arch with a tiling wm?). I'm still unsure about it. I've got my eyes kinda set on this "frutiger aero" styled rice for hyprland because it looks pretty, and is from a youtuber I like. It would be kinda outside my comfort zone to go with this kind of more "DIY" system approach, since I usually set up my desktop for practicality moreso than the fun or excitement of the tools used. But I like to experinemt, and I want to get good with tiling window managers. Whatever I end up doing about this I'll probably keep ya'll posted.
Alive, Feb 23 2025
It's kind of hard to talk or think about what's going on in my life right now, These last couple days I've been cycling through phases of hyper-focus and planning, followed by near complete dissociation. It's probably not a great mental state to be in, but it's keeping me alive, and sane enough. Time doesn't really make much simple or consistent sense right now, in terms of how fast it's passing, or when things will happen, but that's okay. I know it's still moving forward, and I know that I can keep moving with it. I could write more analytical nonsense, but I think I'll put some weird little poem next instead.
Living is slow, slower than death
Billions of years I was dead, it didn't feel like very long.
not even twenty I've been alive. it was agonizing.
slow is good. Slow is alive
It's a little fast, to speed up the tape.
It's very fast to take it out
This movie is sad. It's stressful. it makes me think about things I don't like
But I don't have anything else going on tonight
And I want to take it slow
To persist. Feb 22 2025
Yesterday was very, very stressful. My future is uncertain in a way it hasn't ever been before. I feel like I'm stuck between my long term safety and health, and having any shelter at all. I do not know what is next. I do not know how I will get through this. I have support, but they can only help me so far. I have a plan, but it's struggling to get anywhere. This year so far has been one of hurdles, challenges I never knew I would have to face, finally finding the truth about myself and my identity. Finally making the decision to choose that self over falsehood and abuse.
I do not know if I made the right decision, but it has been made. My life is going to continue, it will likely be difficult, maybe incredibly so. I will persist. And wether the future is easy, difficult, or something unknown, I know that I will keep moving forward.
Names. Feb 21 2025
the sea is rising up
Chaos and rebellion
Vincentius Vincentius
so comes the call of restless waves
Victory Victory! so comes the call of foolish men.
The names of doubt, the names of truth. Opposition calls.
Vincentius Vincentius, Marina calls aloud.
The tide is not calmed
The sailors travel on
Git init -m "blogging time" Feb 21 2025
This inagural post is gonna be a bit short. I might even make another one today, I'll almost certainly make one tomorrow. But for now... hi! here's my pronouns page if you're curious. A lot of really intense stuff has been happening recently, and I feel like a blog is a good way to make a record of that stuff, and have it shareable with my friends.