This is about the laziest way to do a blog. It's a list of dated posts in reverse chronological order. it does not have searching, or links to posts. It certainly doesn't have an RSS feed (I'm not gonna bother setting that up). But it does have a list of my thoughts, organized by how recent they are.
Tomorrow, Mar 11 2025
I'm still listening to that album I mentioned yesterday, it's really good. Regardless of the rest of that post, you should go listen to it. There's a certain comfort I'm still missing. The comfort of everyday, that I don't know when I'll get back. I'm off on a great adventure, and it's the most horrible thing I've ever lived. If I ever learn how to write something longer than a blog post I think I'll make a novel or similar about something like this... Though maybe with robots, and weird post-humans. Or just bite the cringe bullet and make it have furries, who knows. The person in the novel probably would have a larger and more interesting casts of characters around... maybe a partner. Maybe not.
I spent this morning in a bit of a depressive slump, Thankfully I was able to push myself to at least try and talk to someone. Not even about how I was feeling, just to talk to someone at all. That helped, a lot. Gave me just about enough energy to fold some laundry... I still feel like I could just lay down and fall asleep though. I'm very very tired nowadays. I wonder why. I used to think I couldn't really fall asleep unless it was night-time. I was wrong, at least in the general case. I just don't let myself fall asleep most of the time. I already have such sparse time in a day, and most of it is just wasted.
I miss having a job, it gave me structure, and comfort, and something to wake up for. I plan more things outside of work when I have work, I also know that I can't really manage my life as it is, so maybe not. We'll see eventually. My brother (who I'm staying with) has told me now a couple times about how I'm welcome to come be in the common areas of the house... I still don't feel comfortable doing it. It's not that I'm afraid of them or anything, My brother's family is lovely, I just hate that lack of control over the space. I hate the excess stimulation of sharing it. I'm really only comfortable here in the room they set aside for me, because I can at least try and control this space, even just a little.
When I was a kid (under 13-ish) I spent a ton of time in my room. It was comfortable, it was safe, it had all the things I cared to spend time doing. I think I have so many memories there, and so few memories of the rest of the house because it was the only place I wasn't stressed out all the time... When I was around thirteen I started spending more time in the living room, and other common areas. partially because I was homeschooled around that time, partially because that's where my computer and all the game consoles were. I felt like I barely spent any time in my room. In that time, my room also slowly drifed away from being "my" space. I spent less time and care on it, so it was less and less under my control and agency. Around the time I was 16/17, I finally got some of that space back, I started actively controlling that space, and spending more time there... and I spent less time outside. I spent almost no time out of my room if I could spare it at the end there. I wasn't just stressed by the stimulation, or bored by only having my own things hidden away in my own space, I was also scared. I hated spending time with my parents, there was so much pressure, pressure to talk to them, when every conversation became an attack, pressure to keep up a mask of a person they still thought I was, pressure to let them get away with things I found abhorent, and to never speak up. I was done.
I don't know how to feel about common spaces in houses that aren't theirs. In my sister's house, I was a guest, and to some of her roomates, an unwelcome one. Because of that I tried to stay out of their way, stay out of their spaces... Here I know that I'm not a houseguest, just a temporary tennant, but I still don't go into the common spaces... I don't really know why. I don't know why I'm writing this blog post either, but here I am. Sitting in a small secluded room, and writing this blog post.
Nostalgia, Mar 10 2025
due to a great stroke of luck, despite this being the second post I'm making today, I'm not suddenly helpless and terrified. Instead that's just been going on for a while in the background... Anyways
Last year, I was coming out of the worst depression in my life. I genuinely hated myself, I couldn't get out of bed, I spent entire days wallowing in misery and lack of direction. I wanted to die. My entire life had just been destroyed by this same bout of depression over the last four months. I felt like I genuinely had nothing left. It was around that time that I re-watched Steven Universe. To be clear, that didn't fix anything. I kept being exactly as miserable, self hating, and terrified as I'd been before, but I was comforted sometimes. For about a week there, just about the only thing I had was that comfort from watching Steven Universe. Singing the title theme every episode, and just relaxing into the familiar characters and world of that show gave me a way to ground myself.
Nostalgia is usually viewed as a positive emotion, or at least an emotion that is likeable enough to make money off of. It wasn't supposed to be though. It's classically defined as a kind of disordered hopeless yearning, and the experience I have with it that's the most intensely felt is this kind of energia of desperation and seperation... as much as I felt comforted, or even just entertained, by watching Steven Universe last year, I also felt nostalgia about it. That nostalgia hit more intensely than the surface level and intellectual shame I felt for spending weeks straight binging a children's show, because it wasn't something I could logic away, it was just a desperate tragic longing, an emptiness driven by the same familiarity that gave the show comfort. I listened to this album by Patricia Taxxon today... It gave me the same nostalgia as steven universe... something about the colors, and the soundscape, and just the raw underlying feeling of the art, all of them together pulled that same horrible blinding light of longing into my vision. I love this album, probably without much reason aside from the nostalgia, but it's got a certain tragedy behind that love. A tragedy of time moving forward. The tragedy called Nostalgia.
I think the worst part of the nostalgia from Steven Universe was watching its sequel, the Steven Universe movie, and Steven Universe Future... The movie was good enough, a simple story of an abandoned toy in a world where people are treated as toys, with a personal plot for Steven of helping the gems get back on their feet and re-discover themselves after being reset with the plot doohickey... It was really that miniseries that got to me. Steven Universe is over. the show is over that show's world ended, its characters moved on. The future of that show is busy grappling with this. Steven can't live his comfortable life in beach city, he can't live his comfortable life with the gems... and he can't live his fantasy future with Connie either. He has to find his own future, and stop defining himself around something he did for others that he can't do anymore. I always related to steven a little... Now I'm learning that same lesson his story ended on. I wish I could relate to him a bit less right now though. This shit is hard.
Shorter this time, Mar 10 2025
my laptop has developed an annoying habit of shooting itself in the mouth every single time I try and write the blog post I have planned today, so I'm writing a shorter version, in the hopes that I can finish typing it before it happens again... This fucking thing was $900, and I don't much like that it's already having this many issues. I'll just blame windows, I think.
I have a playlist that's mostly about sex, a little bit about self destructiveness, I listen to it sometimes when I feel that way about myself... I feel very odd about that playlist right now, I think because that just isn't a lens through which I view myself or sexual behavior right now. Every time I go through self discovery or re-discovery I kinda have to take a bit to actually develop thoughts and feelings about that discovered self... it's interesting. I'm actually feeling pretty good while I write this post, which is a departure from... most of my previous posts... I'd end today off with a poem, but the blog has been a bit poetry-heavy as of late, and I don't think the poem I would write would be all that publishable. So uh... yeah, bye!
poem I guess, Mar 9 2025
Sailed out past seahaven
The ocean sings so soft
A picture of her mountain
At least it ought be
This desert far away
The old man sings of rolling seas
A city full of angels
The sunset falls asleep
Golden hour
Golden week
I desperate hold a dream.
Journey, Mar 3 2025
I'm leaving my hometown, in a very permanent way, very soon. It's scary, and difficult, and I still don't know what to think about it. Most of what I am thinking about it is worry, not really specific worry, over anything in particular, just a general worry. I'm also excited, daydreaming and future-looking like I always do. Each day the trip gets more and more concrete in terms of both that it's happening, and when it's happening. It's only a few days away now. I'm saying goodbye to a lot of people, I've already said goodbye to some. For most of my friends, I hope it isn't the last time I see them before having only online connections. For some of my family, I can only hope I've already spoken with them for the last time. Since this one is an unstructured emotional post, I think I'll put a poem at the end.
Vineyards in May
A child of April
My sister is Marching
ever ever on
Running away
Afraid and unstable
and yet I keep marching
ever ever on
idk, Mar 1 2025
People say I'm a good photographer... It's hard to believe them. I realized that I'm about two years ahead of an absolute begginer, and that just liking photography a lot can make you better at it, but I still feel like I'm missing so much. I never feel like my best photos are that way because of something I did, they feel like flukes. Maybe this is just how it'll always feel, maybe it's that luck is how you do it, and just creating the circumstances where I can get lucky is where the skill comes from.
I wish I had a mentor. I feel like I'd be better at a lot of things if I'd had a real mentor for them. I feel that way especially with photography, just learning as I go, or even in a classroom setting, makes me feel so lost sometimes. I feel like the information I can find is so irregular and inconsistent that I can't get really better at it.
On that same note, I have some thoughts on youtube video essays. Specifically that most of them suck. Almost all informational content on the internet has the problem of being made by amateurs, and I know thta after enough time interested in a subject, I will reach the point where for any topic I know enough about to watch videos on, I have a high chance of knowing more than the guy making the video. It's annoying, especially since I also know I'm bad at making videos, so I kinda just get frustrated and can't improve on anything.
Today's post was more of a ramble about nothing than it was useful to me, or informative to you, but that's okay I guess. I'm gonna go eat breakfast now. Who knows, maybe I'll make another post today... Though the last time I said that I wsa homeless by the end of that day, so I think I might just accept today's post being a bit weak.
No I won't, Feb 28 2025
I keep putting 2024 in the date on blog posts instead of 2025, which is silly. I think they've all been corrected so far. Also, upon further thought, I was tired as shit when I wrote
yesterday's post, and I don't really feel like putting in a photography section on my blog. I might make a few essays/videos about photography tho. Because, ya know. I like making essays
and videos. Anyways, haven't posted a poem in a while, here's my attempt at poem-ing right now.
I don't recognize him anymore
I can't remember what he sounded like
He's still in my dreams...
Never at his house, either house
At least, the house in my dreams isn't
Maybe it's our house? That would be nice
It probably isn't.
Will I ever forget him? Any of them?
The pretty boys
The pretty lives
I never loved
I never lived
I hope I don't forget
But I'd be okay
If I never bothered to remember again
The lives I didn't live.
The lives I never could've
I wish I didn't have to forget
who even knows, Feb 27 2025
There hasn't been a lot going on for me in a couple days, which is good. I'm probably moving across the country next week, which is wild. I don't know how specifically that's going to work, but I'm excited about the general plan, and it seems like it's about the only way I'm going to get this whole "life" thing to work. I've mostly been thinking about other stuff like photography though. So uh.... idk, I think I'll go make a page for it on this site, and put a link to it in an edit for this post, or in my next post.
Untitled, Feb 24 2025
there's a lot going on for me today, but I think I'm gonna keep this post light-hearted. It isn't good to spend all your time fixating on hard stuff. So I've been thinking about my linux install on my thinkpad. I kinda screwed it up yesterday, and I've been thinking for a while about switching to something else (maybe arch with a tiling wm?). I'm still unsure about it. I've got my eyes kinda set on this "frutiger aero" styled rice for hyprland because it looks pretty, and is from a youtuber I like. It would be kinda outside my comfort zone to go with this kind of more "DIY" system approach, since I usually set up my desktop for practicality moreso than the fun or excitement of the tools used. But I like to experinemt, and I want to get good with tiling window managers. Whatever I end up doing about this I'll probably keep ya'll posted.
Alive, Feb 23 2025
It's kind of hard to talk or think about what's going on in my life right now, These last couple days I've been cycling through phases of hyper-focus and planning, followed by near complete dissociation. It's probably not a great mental state to be in, but it's keeping me alive, and sane enough. Time doesn't really make much simple or consistent sense right now, in terms of how fast it's passing, or when things will happen, but that's okay. I know it's still moving forward, and I know that I can keep moving with it. I could write more analytical nonsense, but I think I'll put some weird little poem next instead.
Living is slow, slower than death
Billions of years I was dead, it didn't feel like very long.
not even twenty I've been alive. it was agonizing.
slow is good. Slow is alive
It's a little fast, to speed up the tape.
It's very fast to take it out
This movie is sad. It's stressful. it makes me think about things I don't like
But I don't have anything else going on tonight
And I want to take it slow
To persist. Feb 22 2025
Yesterday was very, very stressful. My future is uncertain in a way it hasn't ever been before. I feel like I'm stuck between my long term safety and health, and having any shelter at all. I do not know what is next. I do not know how I will get through this. I have support, but they can only help me so far. I have a plan, but it's struggling to get anywhere. This year so far has been one of hurdles, challenges I never knew I would have to face, finally finding the truth about myself and my identity. Finally making the decision to choose that self over falsehood and abuse.
I do not know if I made the right decision, but it has been made. My life is going to continue, it will likely be difficult, maybe incredibly so. I will persist. And wether the future is easy, difficult, or something unknown, I know that I will keep moving forward.
Names. Feb 21 2025
the sea is rising up
Chaos and rebellion
Vincentius Vincentius
so comes the call of restless waves
Victory Victory! so comes the call of foolish men.
The names of doubt, the names of truth. Opposition calls.
Vincentius Vincentius, Marina calls aloud.
The tide is not calmed
The sailors travel on
Git init -m "blogging time" Feb 21 2025
This inagural post is gonna be a bit short. I might even make another one today, I'll almost certainly make one tomorrow. But for now... hi! here's my pronouns page if you're curious. A lot of really intense stuff has been happening recently, and I feel like a blog is a good way to make a record of that stuff, and have it shareable with my friends.